The Alternative Chief Executives Bulletin

Alternative Chief Executive's bulletin Friday December 17 2010

2010-12-17T23:35:00.001+11:00

I wanted to update you on the latest news about the Council's restructuring

and the next phase of the consultation which starts on Friday.

I want to really piss you all off just before Christmas

Creating four new departments

As you are no doubt aware, following consultation with employees, the

County Council's new departmental and senior management structure has now

been agreed.

This creates four new departments for the Council:

Adult Social Care, Health and Public Protection

Children, Families and Cultural Services

Environment and Resources

Policy, Planning and Corporate Services.

We've got rid of Communities because Mrs Cutts really doesn't like Communities in any sense of the word.

Four departments this year, restructure again soon and then there will only be three departments.... (the fools won't realise that we are reducing the number of departments and getting rid of all the staff. Soon we will only have one department and then I'll have to consider making myself redundant).

Your views needed for the next stage of the consultation

The next phase of the restructure involves considering the Council's

structure for each department and team, as well as reviewing the future of

the organisation's business support and administration functions.

Information about the consultation, including feedback forms, will be

available on the intranet homepage and Big issues from 9am on Friday

December 17.

In developing the proposals for the new structures, managers have taken

into account the organisational design principles, common role descriptors

and generic job descriptions. Ha ha ha ha ha, if only they had.

These have been used to design structures with greater focus on the customer. Structures across the board will be flatter, with reduced spans of control and will support new ways of working and deliver the savings identified as part of the service review process.
We have simply stripped away all the localised departmental power of management and replaced with one authoritative (or authoritarian ) voice, namely Mrs Cutts. It doesn't matter what the Directors might say, she knows better and I as Chief Executive follow her every word.

One Council-One Business-One Plan
One Council, One Department, One Employee

We have continued to stress that we will create a joined up organisation

that is simpler and less bureaucratic, more business-like and

customer-oriented; One Council – One Business – One Plan. One Council, One Department, one Employee

An organisation that is transparent about the performance and cost of our services. We also know that to achieve this we will need well trained, motivated and valued staff who are are able to work in a way that enables their skills,

expertise and enthusiasm to be harnessed for the benefit or our customers.

These are the criteria against which we want the Council to be judged.

Ummm......oh I forgot we're making all those well trained, motivated and skilled staff redundant!

In developing these proposals, managers have had to work within the

financial constraints as we currently understand them. But you will be

aware from the press, my bulletins and other information in Council reports

and on the intranet that the context is constantly changing. Indeed,

earlier this week the Council identified that a further £15 million of

savings were required in 2011/12. We will need to review our proposals in

the light of this recent information and new details as they emerge. We keep lying about the financial figures locally and it also helps us when central government reduce our grant even further, we love this as it means we can move even faster towards total privatisation.

I know this is a very worrying time for staff but the scale of the

challenges we face means that we have to press on with the re-design of the

Council and the task of improving our efficiency and effectiveness against

an unprecedented financial background.This is a good excuse to push ahead with even quicker privatisation and mass redundancies.

Most importantly, your input is crucial in helping us to determine whether

we have the right posts in the right place to deliver high quality

services. Your comments and suggestions influenced a number of changes from

our original proposals for the senior structure of the Council. I have no

doubt that your views on the full structure will make a similar impact.

We don't really listen to what you say in fact we don't even listen to your managers, we simply don't give a fuck what any of you think. Its all going to be privatised sooner or later so you can lump it.

As a particularly important part of this round of consultation, I want to

make a special mention of staff working in business support and

administration functions. We cannot function effectively without the

dedication and skills of staff in these roles supporting teams across the

Council. Staff working in business support and administration functions are next for a major seeing too. You might as well pack your bags and fuck off now!

For this staff group the proposals do not contain the detailed number of

posts but focus on the principles and framework for redesigning this

service and proposed model of operation. When we are certain about the

structure of teams across the Council we will be able to finally determine

the levels of support they need. You are encouraged to respond to the

‘principles’ and ‘definition’ documents in this section of the consultation

as a basis for developing further detailed proposals to be published at the

end of January.

There will be next to no services so the level of support will be non existent, therefore don't waste your time responding we won't listen to you.

How to share your views

You can make a comment by:

completing the separate online forms for the restructure and business

support

calling the Customer Services Centre on 08449 80 80 80

attending a meeting for staff being set up in your department.

If you manage or work with colleagues who do not have access to email or

the intranet, please highlight the proposals to them. The information will

be available on Big issues which is on the web and can be visited wherever

you like - at home, in your local library or at a friend's house. Anywhere in fact other than work because you will no longer have a job.

Thank you

Mick

Mick Burrows

The Swedish Chef

Chief Executive’s Bulletin Wednesday 1st December 2010

2010-12-01T22:52:00.004+11:00

At the next Full Council meeting on Thursday December 9, Councillors will

be discussing an important report.
No I'm not talking about another increase in their expenses! Although when that is on the agenda they tend to stay awake a little longer than usual.

The report sets out proposals to develop options for the use of our

office accommodation in the future. We will be proposing to close and

sell some of our offices and make more use of the space we have

available in the remaining buildings. It also means that we will look to more effective sharing of premises with other organisations.

All those Voluntary Organisations that we used to give money to but no longer do so can come and use our office space as most of our own staff will be made redundant.

We know from best practice that if we create the right environment and

equip people for more flexible team working we can improve the way local

services are supported and delivered and also make cost savings on our

estate and overheads.

We intend making you work in extremely cramped conditions like battery hens

The Ways of Working project is part of our improvement programme. Led by

Linda Bayliss and Tim Gregory, the programme has been looking at the way

we use our buildings.

We have been looking at how best to flog off all our buildings quickly and where possible to our mates at knock down prices.

Our office accommodation - some surprising facts

Did you know:

· the Council spends more than £7.5 million every year on its office

accommodation - most of that was refitting Cutts office

· we have office space for more than 4,700 people

· each desk costs more than £5,000 a year to pay for the heating,

lighting, cleaning and maintenance costs. Ummm... I love making up this bollocks to confuse the slaves, if only they knew how much crap I'm talking.

And in a recent survey of the West Bridgford campus:

· almost one in three desks were empty throughout the day - that's because people are out working, attending meetings etc You wanker.

· close to one in three meeting rooms were underused throughout the day

· 14% of employees have individual offices, which were empty half the

   day. Ummm... I better be careful here or I could end up sharing a desk myself - maybe one with Mrs Cutts eh?
    · 97% of employees thought I was a tosser.
    A big thank you to the 3% who didn't comment.

We know that we can make far better use of our accommodation. We are

committed to protecting important frontline services and believe savings

can be made by reducing our overhead costs.

Oh dear sooner or later people are going to realise I'm on a loop.

The proposals could save up to £25 million off the cost of our property

over the next 25 years. The proposals reflect the fact that the Council

is changing - and the way we work needs to change. We are also looking

at how and where we work to give us all more flexibility in our working

lives, helping you get the job done.

More flexibility - that means weekend working for you all

Touchdown zones, working from home and IT that helps you work wherever

you are, are just a few of the examples.

Great if your a senior manager. Not so great if you actually do a proper job and have to share a 'touchdown zone' with 50 other people

With the budget challenges we're facing we need to be able to save money

to deliver £150 million of savings over the next three years. We also

need to make sure our office accommodation reflects the size of our

workforce in the future.
That means one office for the entire Council as there will be next to no one left working for the Council

I'm fed up now, I'll get that new Improvements Officer to just finish this crap off for me - he needs to be doing something for his £110,000 per annum.

Keeping you informed

On Thursday morning (December 2), the Full Council papers containing the

options will be published on our public website and Big issues.

Additional information and frequently asked questions (FAQs) about the

office accommodation review will also be available on Big issues.

An email will be sent to all colleagues with the full details about the

proposals.

Many of the detailed plans are still being prepared, (we're making it up as we go along)
but I will do my best to make sure that the information you have provides as many of the

answers you need as possible.

We are committed to undertaking a full and proper review of our office

requirements in order to clarify what we can improve and also

rationalise. It is important to note that some of the changes will not

happen overnight. If Members approve the report's recommendations, some

changes will happen soon, while others will take up to three to four

years to be fully implemented.

Thank you

Mick

Mick Burrows

The Swedish Chef

Chief Executive’s Bulletin Friday 15th October 2010

2010-10-16T02:12:00.000+11:00

Chief Executive’s Bulletin
Consultation on proposals for the new-look County Council senior management structure

I know that this has been a very challenging week for everyone.

You have finally realised that you are all about to be made redundant.

The Council has already announced that due to budget pressures it needs to find savings of £150m over the next three years and will therefore need to decrease its workforce by around 2,500 posts over the same period.
2,500 now with the rest going later or being out sourced (privatised) to companies owned by our friends

The announcements about the proposals for services and support functions
will inevitably impact on many of you. I am very aware of the worry and
concern caused when you personally find out your post is on the Section 188
Notice.

I know that you will be extremely depressed and pissed off but I don't give a fuck. I've got my £214,000 pa to count.

The latest Section 188 Notice identifies around 1,400 posts at risk. As
highlighted in a previous bulletin the notice is a general list published
for information and is not issued to individuals. If your post is included
as being at risk, it does not mean that you are going to be made redundant.
Well, we thought we should piss off everyone and have you all seriously depressed before we actually tell you exactly who is for the chop.

I want to reinforce that we will do all we can to avoid compulsory
redundancies. Over 1,600 employees have already expressed an interest in
voluntary redundancy. Their requests are being considered on a case-by-case
basis. The vacancy protocol will make sure that those requiring
redeployment will be considered for vacant posts.
The vacancy protocol is a complete sham and I'm lying to you so that I look at least slightly interested and sympathetic towards your plight.

New-look County Council senior management structure

As you know we previously issued a Section 188 Notice in relation to senior
managers as we intend having interim arrangements in place by January, with
a view to the new management structure being implemented from April 2011.
We did this after talking to senior managers and asking if anybody fancied leaving with a hugh great big payoff.

We have now prepared the senior management structure proposals which
include new 'group managers', reduced management layers and increased spans
of control. This will hopefully meet our aim of enabling greater decision
making to take place closer to the customer and service delivery.

This will make it far easier to privatise large parts of whatever is left in the next two years.

Our proposals are driving forward on the promise to make the County Council
more efficient and reduce bureaucracy. Removing tiers of management and
improving efficiency will bring our services closer to our service users
and save money.
It will bring our services to its knees

The main proposals are to reduce the number of departments from five to
four; reduce management levels; centralise support and strategic services
and ensure services are organised around service users.

We are getting rid of the Communities department because we don't believe in Communities, certainly not local communities.

Details of the structures below group managers are currently being
prepared. These will be particularly important and will reflect those
changes we already know about and give room for manoeuvre on service review
proposals as the consultation unfolds. As with all reorganisations we will
need to maintain a degree of flexibility to accommodate future changes.
We are undertaking a top down restructuring which is about safeguarding jobs at the top, not actually looking at what services are required at ground level. We really don't care about what goes on at ground level as you'll end up working for a private company anyway. That's if we haven't made you redundant beforehand.

Information about the future Council organisational design and senior
management structure is available at Big Issues, visit
http://bigissues.nottinghamshire.gov.uk/index/bigissues/
here is the address for an entire website full of lies and bullshit

I recognise the significant commitment and professionalism you continue to
give despite the challenges we face. I thank you for your continued
professionalism during what is our most testing time, I would also like to
pay special tribute to those colleagues who are directly affected by the
risk of redundancy yet continue to give 100%.
I think you are absolute mugs for continuing to accept all the shit we keep throwing at you.

Finally, we are trying to deliver change as quickly and as efficiently as
possible but this is not without its challenges. Your support is really
appreciated.
You willingness to be fucked over and over again is unbelievable.

Regards

Mick

Mick Burrows
Chief Executive
The Swedish Chef

The Alternative Chief Executive's Bulletin Friday 8th October 2010

2010-10-09T01:14:00.004+11:00

Before we start we would just like to inform our readers that in previous bulletins we have stated that the Chief Executive earns approx. £180,000 per year. We must apologise for this inaccuracy and we would personally like to apologise to the Swedish Chef for undervaluing him as it has now come to light that he actually earns £214,00 per year!

Dear colleagues
Suckers

Next week we will be making a series of important announcements as we look at ways to make the Council fit for the future.
You're all going to receive your redundancy notices

This will be very challenging as it will propose changes to services, support and management. I wanted you to be the first to hear about these announcements and to share with you the timetable of what will happen when.
I wanted to piss you off just before the weekend and have you worrying even more about your future

The announcements will have implications for how we all work, the services we provide and our customers.
We'll be getting rid of all services that we don't have a statutory duty to provide

Service review proposals

Over the past nine months, senior managers have reviewed every service the Council provides. During the past six weeks, the management review findings have been presented to Cabinet Members.
We've done the Tories job for them and now the time has come for you all to get a seeing too.

Cabinet Members have carefully considered the review findings and have now confirmed their proposals for consultation on service changes.
The cabal of tosspots running the Council flicked through the report without reading it and said 'privatise everything'.

These proposals will now be published for wider consultation. They include looking at:

how to provide services in a different way and at less cost PRIVATISE
alternative ways of providing services by involving other private, public and voluntary organisations PRIVATISE
withdrawing or reducing some services. PRIVATISE
As you know, we have to make some radical decisions about the way we work as we look to find £150 million of savings over the next three years. Next year we estimate that we will have to save £69 million. It is important to note that over half of the money we need to save – that’s £39 million in year one – will be reinvested.
"Reinvested" to pay for all the redundancies and privatisation costs

The service review proposals make up the bulk of these savings. This is why the Full Council meeting on Thursday 21 October is important for us all.
It's certainly important to staff who will be getting made redundant or privatised

At the meeting, Members will consider proposals about the way services will be delivered and resourced in the future. The service proposals will be grouped in three categories:

Category A - proposals which can be moved forward immediately subject to consultation with employees and trade unions. These proposals will have limited impact on external partners and users. However, where they are affected they will be informed of the changes.
Category B - proposals which need more widespread discussion, with partners, stakeholders, employees and trade unions
Category C - proposals which require formal statutory consultation. The Council meeting will seek to give approval to start this process.
A, B, and C all eventually lead to the same thing, your job going.

These decisions, which will be subject to our consultation procedures, have to be taken now to make sure we’re on target to balance the Council's budget next year and in the years to come. The consultation period will continue into the New Year. It will enable final decisions to be taken at the County Council budget meeting in February 2011.
Of course the Consultation Process is a complete sham and we don't give a toss what you think.

Informing you, the media and our customers

I want to make sure that you know what the proposals are for each service and support area and what they could mean for you. I also have to make sure all County Councillors, our customers, partners, trade unions and the local media are kept informed. This requires a careful balancing act.
I want you all to know how little I value you and I'm happy to not only scare the shit out of you with redundancy notices but I actually quite enjoy doing it as it gives me a sense of power, something I feel I've been lacking throughout my life as I'm generally such a sad little wanker.

Normally, I would want to make sure you were briefed in person, face-to-face, by your line manager to understand the full implications of the proposals. However, due to the number of employees affected by the service review and wider proposals, the most practical approach is to provide the information by email and hard copy bulletin. This helps to make sure that where possible, you find out the latest information from the County Council first, rather than hearing or reading about it in the local media.

Neither myself nor any senior managers have the balls to face you.

The planned timetable for publishing the service review proposals for next week is as follows:

Tuesday October 12 Children and Young People’s department
Wednesday October 13 Communities department and Chief Executive's department
Thursday October 14 Adult Social Care and Health and Corporate Services.
Full copies of each department’s service review proposals will be published each day on the Big issues website at 8am.

I shall be on leave during this period as I can't be doing with you lot contacting me to complain.

Your comments and feedback about the proposals
The Big issues website will include an online form for you to make comments about how the proposals affect your service area.

A separate online form will also be available if you would like to make comments about how the proposals affect you as a local resident.

If you have questions about the service review proposals, please talk to your line manager and check the FAQs available on Big issues. Line managers will be briefed about the proposals and can help talk them through with you and direct you to relevant online information.

Please remember that the Big issues website is available on the web. This means you can view the website at home, in a library or wherever you choose.You can respond how you like but we don't give a shit and certainly won't be printing anything derogatory....umm that probably means that we won't be printing anything.

I recognise that this news will create anxiety and uncertainty. I would like to reassure you that the Council is doing everything it can to reduce costs to help keep the number of compulsory redundancies that have to be made to a minimum.
That's why we reduced the redundancy payments scheme last year because we knew we would be fucking you over this year and wanted to pay you as little as possible.

1,600 employees have already expressed an interest in voluntary redundancy. Their requests are currently being considered on a case-by-case basis. The application of the vacancy protocol will make sure that colleagues requiring redeployment will be considered first for vacant posts. The vacancy protocol has frozen all recruitment to make sure colleagues on redeployment are given the first option on all posts. Actually this is a bit of a sham as next to no one will be redeployed and certainly not offered any redeployment training because we don't actually want you any longer

On Friday October 15, we will also begin the consultation on proposals for the new-look County Council senior management structure.
I need to make sure I can get another 3 years service in so I'm having to make some bullshit up to justify a few senior posts in order that there are a few more senior management posts between me and any possible redundancy. But of course should one of my senior chums want to take redundancy them I'll make sure they get a massive payoff.

I will continue to make sure we do everything we can to safeguard services and jobs in the face of the unprecedented financial challenge facing every public sector organisation.
I have to say that, even though I know its not true. Well I suppose it is in a way as I'm certainly safeguarding my own job.

Thank you again for your support.
Thanks suckers

Mick Burrows
Chief executive
The Swedish Chef

Alternative Chief Executive’s Bulletin Thursday 16th September 2010

2010-09-16T19:38:00.001+10:00

The past few weeks has witnessed a great deal of activity across the

Council.

We've started getting rid of people big time.

The vision for a new Council

The view from the bridge of the Titanic

Last week I shared my proposals with you for a new Council to ensure we are

fit for the future. You can find more information about it on the intranet

and Council website.

Fit for the future as privatised entities.

Initial feedback is very positive – I believe we have the right model for

the County Council, a model that will enable us to create a structure that

is responsive, efficient and effective, offering good value for money.

The initial feedback I refer to comes from senior management, all the other feedback is very derogatory and we won't be printing it.

CLT are now developing proposals for our middle management structures which

I hope to share in more detail with you in October.

You lot in middle management are next for the chop.

Section 188 Notices

To assist the restructuring we also issued section 188 notices to managers.

I recognise and understand that anyone put in the position of seeing their

post on a section 188 notice may be worried.

We've decided to scare the shit out of you all.

The notice is a general list published for information and is not issued to

individuals. If your post is included as being at risk, it does not mean

that you are going to be made redundant.

Although in all likelihood you will be made redundant.

More information and frequently asked questions about the recent section

188 notices is available on Big Issues which you can access from work and

home, visit http://bigissues.nottinghamshire.gov.uk/index/bigissues/

I know you've got nothing better to do than to look at our website

Feedback

I have tried to get out and about as much as possible and listen to you to

hear directly how people are feeling at the moment, share my vision for the

future and also answer any questions people might have.

I thought I would survey my fiefdom one last time before decimating it and at the same time continue to patronise you. After all, I have to do something to warrant £180,000 pa

My recent visits include Meadow House, Lawn View House and Trent Bridge

House. I have also received a great deal of feedback about how people feel

about all the recent announcements and plans through other channels and

contact.

Mansfield/Ashfield is about as far north as I dare go, I got a bit frighten just thinking of Worksop and Retford.

Your feedback is most helpful and has provided many useful contributions to

our thinking and planning.

Your ideas about savings are obviously in addition to the planned cuts not an alternative.

I understand a number of staff were under the impression that the Council

intends to reduce the number of posts by 2500 within the next year. We have

said from the outset that we are looking at a 3 year timescale though we do

face significant financial challenges next year.

We thought we could sell everything off in one but having looked at the legislation in more detail it will take up to 3 years to sell off some areas like EPH's etc

During this time we will look to minimise the number of compulsory

redundancies which is why we invited expressions of interest in voluntary

redundancy and reduced working hours.

We though some of you might be stupid enough to take voluntary redundancy now or even just reduce your hours, which in turn reduces your possible redundancy payment and saves the council a few quid.

Overview Committee

I know that the appointment of Greg Michael created some concern with

colleagues. Greg started with us on Wednesday last week following the

decision by the Overview Committee that “the decision on the improvement

director’s salary was properly made.” I have every confidence that Greg

will add significant value to the Council and will help drive out savings

from those areas that will help protect our front line services.

Gregg is great value for money at £110,000 pa. He has fantastic ideas as to how we can completely destroy the services we offer the local community and put the final few nails in the coffin of Notts County Council. Gregg will add significant value to the senior management team because Mrs Cutts and myself truly value individuals who can be total bastards to there staff whilst conveying an air of sympathy for the plight they face.

Regards

Mick

Mick Burrows

Chief Executive

The Swedish Chef

Tel: 0115 977 3582

Alternative Chief Executive’s Bulletin Wednesday 8th September 2010 - Creating a New Council Fit for the Future

2010-09-09T23:42:00.002+10:00

Dear colleagues

My slaves

Today, I am sharing with you significant news about proposals to change the

way the Council works, to make sure it is effective, efficient and fit for

the future.

I've got nothing better to do than to make some more bullshit up to throw at you

The financial challenges I’ve shared with you, on a number of occasions, the unprecedented financial challenges we’re facing. Like all local authorities, we need to make substantial savings to cope with a fall in Government funding and a

increase in demand for our services.

I've already told you some porkies about the financial situation we face in order that we can privatise all our services.

Over the next three years we estimate that we will need to save £150

million including £69 million in the next financial year.

I'm exaggerating the amounts we really need to save however we will actually need a large amount to pay for my own and a few other senior managers redundancies in about 3 years time.

We need to take radical action to make sure we can deliver the services

people want at an affordable cost to our council taxpayers. No change is

not an option.

Privatisation is the only option.

The vision for a new Council

We need to change the way the Council works to make sure we continue to

improve our approach to our customers and to ensure they are the focus of

everything we do. We need to organise the way we work to ensure we are

efficient, effective and offer good value for money and reduce our

overheads.

We need to shaft the staff (that's you) over and over again until they are so fed up they apply for voluntary redundancy.

We also need to plan for the future and recognise the wider opportunities

created by national changes including those to health, Local Enterprise

Partnerships, Policing, vulnerable children and adults. The proposed

changes also take account of the move towards working with a wider range of

organisations who will deliver services on behalf of the Council including

the private and the voluntary sectors.

We all need to realise that there will be no public services left within a couple of years (certainly before the next Election) and a wider range of organisations means PRIVATE organisations.

The proposals

The proposals for the new look Council suggest creating three ‘service

groups’, each led by a corporate director.

We were going to have four but one of my chums wants to leave

They are proposed as follows:

services for children, families and cultural services

services for adult social care and health, and public protection

services

technical, infrastructure and support services including HR, finance,

property and procurement.

The three ‘service groups’ will be supported by a strategic core including

democratic services, communications, policy, research, legal services,

performance and strategy. These services will be led by the assistant chief

executive.

I'm delegating my work to the new assistant chief executive who will also be writing all my letters in future but obviously they'll still be in my name. Why should I have to do all the thinking around here, I'm only paid £180,000 pa. I'm worth far more than that.

The change will lead to a reduction in the number of corporate directors by

one post.

Yes only one senior manger will be going despite almost the entire workforce going! What a super plan! And he actually wants to go (got another job lined up) but we'll still make him redundant so he gets a great big payoff and a whopping pension - after all he's a mate unlike you lot!

What will this mean for jobs?

By changing how we work, substantial savings will be made to help the

Council reinvest money to safeguard frontline services.

We'll be saving lots of money but sod the front line services, those savings will be paying for my retirement lump sum.

Our service review programme is helping us understand in detail exactly

what we do, how much it costs and potential alternative ways to provide

services. We’re also starting work on an ambitious organisational redesign

programme. This will look at how many managers we need in the future, and

how many employees managers should be expected to supervise as we look at

ways to slim down our overheads.

We'll also be making this up as we go along to suit the needs of senior managers - we need to ensure they get enough years service in to get a whopping great pension and payoff.

The proposals I’ve shared with you today and the potential reduction from

four to three departments will inevitably lead to fewer managers.

Fewer managers and a lot fewer staff as there will be next to no services left to manage.

This is part of the ongoing process to reduce the number of County Council

employees by up to 2,500 people over the next three years to make sure our

organisation is fit for the future.

The only thing fit for the future in 3 years time will be my bank balance when I take redundancy myself.

What will this mean for me?

As an employee you will already be adapting to a number of recent changes

including the freeze on non-essential spend and the vacancy protocol.

If you are staying it'll mean a lot more work and pressure on you but without any rise in your pay. Just accept it and get on with it you bastards. Myself on the otherhand, well I've got a new assistant chief executive to do my work.

The plans to change the Council and the way we all work will help us get

value for money while providing the best services for our customers.

Really I don't give a toss about the public and even less about our staff. I'm only interested in the Cutts.

It’s clear that change is with us for the foreseeable future.
You're all going to get a right old seeing to from me and Mrs Cutts.

What will happen next?

I have shared these proposals with you first to make sure you have an

understanding of the scale and context of what we need to do.

Whatever I share with you is to frigthen you and demoralise you even further

A consultation will be launched in October to find out your views on the

plans. I look forward to your feedback. Judging from your comments to

Bright ideas, the employee suggestion scheme, I know that you’ll have some

good opinions to share.

We will be conducting a mock consultation process but actually we already know what we will be doing. And all those previous suggestions from you as to where myself and Mrs Cutts should go have been removed.

How can I find out more?

Further information about the plans for the new look Council are available

on the Big issues website at:

http://bigissues.nottinghamshire.gov.uk/index/bigissues/a-council-fit-for-the-future

'Big Issues' - why not just change it now to Big Issue, that's what you'll all be selling soon.

Additional information will be available when the consultation is launched.

The new Assistant Chief Executive is already cobbling some bollocks together.

I would like to thank you for your ongoing professionalism and support

through this very challenging time. I recognise that the challenges we face

are huge and that many people will feel anxious and uncertain about their

future. I know how committed the people who work for this Council are and

we will do everything we can to keep compulsory redundancies to a minimum.

I can't believe for a moment that you are taken in by this insincere crap, I'm certainly not and I'm actually pissing myself laughing as I write it.

Thank you

Mick Burrows

Chief executive
The Swedish Chef

The Chief Executive's Redundancy Letter to Staff

2010-08-19T23:57:00.004+10:00

The Swedish Chef has sent a letter out to us all asking if we would be interested in taking voluntary redundancy and yes I know what your thinking - has he sent one to himself? Of course not. You know full well that we really need the chef (or swede as he's fondly known in the senior management team). He's our guiding light, our leader, our guru, the captain of the ship (guess which one), the master of all he purveys (sic).

"Stop this juvenile rant immediately. We all know what a sterling job he does, he's earned our gratitude and we love him. We couldn't have a better Chief Executive."

That's enough from you Mrs Cutts. The staff are no longer interested in what you have to say because you're not interested for one moment in what your hard working employees might have to say and anyway we've heard you sing that song about the Swede...."Oh Micky your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind hey Micky, hey Micky."

Laugh I nearly applied for voluntary redundancy. Well no I won't be because what's the point, you might as well hang on in there and get an extra year or two out of the bastards before they make you compulsory redundant. And as for reducing my working hours - get serious, if I do that then my final salary will be affected and therefore reduce my redundancy payment. Thanks for offering Mick (sorry, Swede).

The Swede really has been busy this week as he has also written an article for the Municipal Journal - this is for senior management across the country or as it will tell you if you look on their website:-

"The MJ's readers are: Top tier local government personnel & decision makers."

Don't make me laugh, Top tier! Decision maker! The Swede! Please, stop it. At this rate I'll never get my redundancy form completed.

The Swedes article is headlined A fond farewell?

A fond farewell? To what, Public Services? You weren't saying that last year were you Swede when Labour were paying your wages?

Anyway it's another diatribe of bullshit from someone who frankly no longer gives a toss about what public services should be and is quite happy to take the money (and its a lot of money - £180,000) and get on with asset stripping the Council before privatisation. Gerard Manley Hopkins once wrote "worse, there is none" well I can tell you that there certainly isn't anything worse than the type of person that the Swede has turned into.

Alternative Chief Executive’s Bulletin Tuesday 17th August 2010

2010-08-18T01:19:00.009+10:00

I know last week was difficult for many colleagues. I have a network of
people who are based across the organisation who help keep my finger on the pulse and let me know how things are with you.

I am the Commandant of the Stassi, my spies are everywhere and anyone speaking out against our policies will be severely dealt with.

Word came back loud and clear - last week’s announcements about a freeze on non-essential spending and the potential number of posts to go, whilst not entirely unexpected came as a blow. You're all extremely pissed off with the new budget control measures.

I must remind people that we are talking about the next three years. Not
all of this change is going to happen tomorrow, it will be a managed
process and we must keep some perspective. I know this is sometimes
difficult but I am committed to leading us through the next few years and
transforming us into a more efficient, effective and customer-orientated
council that offers good value for money.

Within the next three years all services will either be privatised or non existent. However I will still be here as I need the additional years service to bump up my pension.

Voluntary redundancy and reducing working hours

Many of you will receive a letter this week offering you the opportunity to
express an interest in voluntary redundancy.
You can express an interest but if it looks like it might cost the Council too much then you won't get it!

As a result of your feedback, the letter will also offer you the option to explore reduced working hours, which may be of interest to some of you.

We would like you all to reduce your hours because this will mean that your final salary pension calculations or any redundancy pay will be lower, thus saving us even more money!

Throughout this process, the ongoing vacancy freeze and redeployment, we
are committed to keeping compulsory job losses to an absolute minimum. The letter will explain everything in more detail.

We would like lots of you to apply for voluntary redundancy but we won't be offering voluntary redundancy to any section that we are going to sell off because that would be a waste of money.

Balances and reserves

I believe it would be useful if I explain the facts behind some of the
issues that have developed as a result of the budget briefings.

As stated in my last bulletin, we are predicting that we have to take £150m
off our current budget over the next three years.
We're bullshitting you and inflating the figures so things look much worse than they really are. That way it's easier to make even more cuts and privatise whatever's left.

£80m will be reinvested in services that are facing increased pressures
such as children’s. The most significant point is that these savings are
cumulative - they are not one-off savings. This means that our annual
budget allocation actually reduces in real terms over the three-year
period.

The Council has a total of £159.3m in balances and reserves. Of this, £96.5
m of Council reserves is already earmarked for particular projects and
initiatives. A further £38m of this is for schools - this grant comes
direct from the Government and cannot be spent on any other services.
Therefore the only available reserve is what is known as the county fund
balance – which is £24.8m.

It is good practice in local government to have around 5% of your budget
available as a reserve. This is to be used in emergencies. These could be
severe weather, health epidemics or a major incident in Nottinghamshire,
which the Council would have a duty to respond to. It would be
irresponsible of the Council to spend these reserves. This would leave the
Council and its residents with no safety cushion in the event of an
emergency. Using this money as a one-off fix for a year is neither a
responsible nor sustainable approach to tackling our financial challenges.
It would only delay the inevitable reduction in permanent budget. For
example, if we take 25% out of a service that currently costs £20m per year
to run, we will be removing £5m per annum permanently from the budget. If
we decided to use our reserves to ‘prop the service up’ over a five-year
period, this would cost us £25m for this service alone.

Basically I'm talking bollocks and really we have a shit load of money in reserve but we're not using any of it to keep people in work.

I hope you find this explanation helpful.

Improvement Director

I acknowledge that the appointment of any new senior manager will be
difficult for everyone to rationalise particularly at a time of sensitive
and significant potential post reductions. I need to ensure you all
understand the rationale behind the appointment of Greg Michael as our
Improvement Director.
We've just employed someone on an outrageously high salary because we like rubbing your noses in it. He has the title Improvement Director because myself and the other senior managers are doing such a shit job that things really do need to be improved around here.

The County Council has some excellent examples of good value in the way it
buys goods and services.

In fact they're so good they've moved to the top of the list to privatise.

We also have some very effective and tough contract negotiators and purchasers. However, we have significant improvements to make in the overall ‘buying of goods and services’.

We don't like the word 'buying', we're a selling council. In fact we'll sell any service we possibly can to any of our mates in the private sector.

We currently spend over £409m per annum with over 9000 suppliers. Our
current forecast on budget savings is based on driving £2m per annum
savings from the procurement of goods and services. I believe we can do
more with the right expertise.

Following a national advert in May, elected members appointed Greg Michael
who brings with him significant commercial and business experience from the
private sector. Greg was a Managing Director for DHL. He will have overall
responsibility for procurement and will be leading our work on driving
savings from the £409m we spend on goods every year. I believe that we can
drive harder on this agenda and make far higher savings than currently
predicted. I am convinced that Greg’s expertise will deliver far more that
the £2m per annum in our procurement savings forecast.

You're all in for even tougher times - it's one paperclip per desk and pens will now be shared - one between three employees

This is critical as every additional £1m Greg saves, will reduce our overall savings target and will protect valuable services and jobs.

Greg is on a performance related salary so the more cuts he makes the more he earns.

I hope everyone recognises the importance of this post. I know appointing
to a new £110k a year job will be difficult to understand – I am committed
to ensuring that Nottinghamshire County Council offers good value for money
and is equipped to drive through the savings whilst minimising front-line
service reductions and compulsory redundancies – Greg will help me do that
as he has the right business and commercial experience. Greg starts on the
1st September and will be a member of the Corporate Leadership Board.
Greg will report directly to me as the Chief Executive.

I wanted to employ a complete bastard who doesn't mind upsetting staff even more than we have already and then we'll piss ourselves laughing about it over a cup of tea.

Responses

My sincere thanks to everyone who has responded to my bulletin.
Bloody hell do I have to read this bollocks from the staff.

I did receive many replies including a number about the cost of postage to
staff regarding voluntary redundancy. I have asked that we review this and
where possible use email to staff who have email access. On this occasion
due to the timescale we are undertaking a bulk delivery of postage which is
not the same as 1st or 2nd class. The letters are produced in house, will
be on grayscale and printed double sided. The estimated cost of this
exercise is £4,700. This figure includes staff time plus the cost of
printing and mailing.

£4,700 Umm.....I wonder if they'll realise that this is the only figure in my bulletin that has been reduced from the real amount.

It is very important that all the people included in the exercise receive a
letter. Not all of them are on the email system and as this is happening
at the height of the holiday season and we have a number of term time only
employees who will be included, a home mailing is the most cost effective
way of doing this.

I am listening to all of your feedback. I can’t always respond to everyone
directly, but it is important to me that you feel able to contact me with
your ideas and suggestions range of ideas and suggestions you have made to save money, they are most welcome.

You can contact me about cost cutting ideas but I'm not interested in your whinging on about the effects of the cuts we have already imposed. Live with it until you lose your job!
P.S Any ideas you do pass on will become my idea as in reality I'm completely devoid of any imagination and that's another reason why we have employed an Improvement Director

I will continue to keep you informed and ensure that whenever possible you hear things from me first.
I better end on a note that makes me sound like I actually care.

Regards
Mick
Mick Burrows
Chief Executive

The Swedish Chef